Nightmares return

The cold hard hands that I once trusted are wrapped around my neck and I can breathe.
He wants to kill me, wants me dead, wants me to suffer as much as possible at his hands.
My arms are broken I can't fight back
Try to scream but no sound comes.
He's smiling over me as he chokes the life out of the body he's ravaged.
In the corner I can see my son crying and everything begins to fade and go sideways.
A random noise wakes me and I'm sobbing. Thank god it was only a dream, for now.

Dating...

On our walk to school this morning my son asked me when I was going to start dating. A curious question to me, when I was his age, even though my parents had been divorced as well, I was still unable to imagine my parents with anyone other than each other.
"I'm just really tired of having a dad that's never there for me. Maybe if you meet somebody nice and like them a lot they could be like a dad to me."
I hate these moments that bring to light just how aware of his father's faults my precious child is.
How badly he hungers for a male role model, and how he knows his father will never be able to be that to him. It makes me want to cry over that loss for him.
How I wish I could find that great man, the one who would love him and care for him as I do, as a parent should. It reminds me of my own hunger for companionship, for a partner in this all too often cruel world. Someone I could be vulnerable with.
I hate how lonely I've become, my animal needs panting to be satisfied, while I truly long for so much more. How I so honestly pray to find someone, but keep myself so distant from even the possibility of finding it because of my fears over being hurt.