I don't know why I left the comfort of myself. I longed for the companionship I know I'll never find, despite wanting to. Thought maybe the familiarity would be comforting. It was at first, til it got annoying. Suddenly there was someone else in my space, in my life talking when I wanted silence.
I've never understood this world, this life and the people in it.
I wish I could return to when I thought I had it all figured out, before I grew up and realized I had it all wrong.
I'm naive enough to think people think like me about things, promises matter, trust and privacy are important, as is respecting boundaries...and I'm constantly disappointed to find I'm wrong...that people make promises they never plan on keeping, think of humans as property they can own, control, manipulate into being something else, someone else.
I reverted to a former form of myself, one that I despised and vowed to never be again. But I'm a sucker for the sweet talk and promises, so of course I get burned.
Sometimes it's all about timing, and this was one of those times: a vulnerable and lonely single mother with her child in the hospital wishing like hell I had someone to lean on, to take a little of weight off my shoulders for a minute.
Maybe it was the emotional strain and being the kind of tired that only comes from having a sick child. Sleeping like a feather, on alert for the next fit of coughing, constantly worrying over symptoms not improving.
I was tired and weak, God forgive me for reaching out to my ex-husband at such a moment.
And then came the swindle, falling for the lies of the bastard that had ignored his own son for years, who hadn't used any of his allowed visitation or paid a single dime of child support.
But I'm the dupe that fell for it, the happily ever after family fantasy that I'd always wanted.
But that's why they're called fantasies, they never come true.
Little did I know that just a few short months later I'd have it thrown in my face, "you never should've called me," and, "I shouldn't have come up here."
"I only came because he was in the hospital, but I should've said no."
And here I am. Alone. Again. With a whole new set of crushing worries and stress to wade through.
But once again life goes on.
